Good Evening.
What a wonderful day and evening.
I mowed the front yard early. Made it to the Center, Lady A was there as she had committed to being. Attended a powerful 11:30 AA meeting. Ran an errand and 4 of us had lunch together.
Got Lady A's key to her apartment, came to my house and fed Precious. She took to Lady A fast and without hesitation. Very un-Precious-like ! Ran some more errands, had a spot 'a tea with Boston and Jack. Then several of us attended a dynamic and well told AA story by Mike.
Lady A was escorted home by SW and hopefully, she will get a good night's sleep and rest. I am worn out, she must be as well. She had a very emotional day.
It was my pleasure to accompany Lady A today. It was wonderful to reach out to someone who needed support. Haven't done that in a long time (the 12 step variety of support).
Actually, as I told SW tonight, Blogging has made a complete improvement in my socialization.
I seem to have more confidence in myself, I am eager to look for opportunities to serve in AA and my fellows. I have had nothing byt positive support and loving help in that endeavor and it has given me a sense of myself. The softer more caring and secure side of myself. Thank you all.
I still have some demons, don't we all. I have shared things on a deeper level with people lately. I am listening to others more and better because I'm venting and sharing in the Blogg venue.
I get to communicate here anytime I choose so am better able and willing to listen to others.
I am Grateful...
to have had a full day and getting aquainted with Lady A and seeing the progress and maturity of Boston. She's come a long way. You go girl !!!
to be interested in Scott's wonderful artistic talent. What a swell guy. If you have not looked at his body of work, I highly recommend seeking it out.
For the Lambda Board members and others for all their selfless work decorating the cars for the parade. I hope they all had fun. And what a beautiful red Crossfire Dave got to drive.
About Me
- peanut
- Houston, Texas, United States
- I am a native Houstonian. I have never lived elsewhere. I have had the opportunity to travel over the years. I am a recovering alcoholic. I have one cat who is indoor only.I love coffee very hot, popcorn, sweets, the sound of hummingbirds in flight, the songs of Mockingbirds, chirp of the Cardinals,butterflies, puppy breath, horse breath, the feel and sound of a cat purring (especially mine).
Saturday, June 23, 2007
life safari #5
Well, Good morning !
Got the lawn mower, even got it out of the car by myself. Said my prayers, tried to contact Lady A. again this morning, after my Gratitude List I'll get to mowing. Put the bag on to eliminate so much sweeping and raking. We'll see how that goes.
I am Grateful for:
dictionaries
another day of life - sober, clean and smoke free
my mower - repaired and ready
that it's Saturday and I'm off. Tomorrow too - ooooowweee!
that my world is getting larger and alot more interesting (teehee)
for getting up when I said I would
this second cup of coffee
Precious and her cat wisdom
God's Grace
for how beautiful my yard will look after I get started
modern conveniences
My Family
that I am a real alcoholic and I never have to question that again
thank YOU
Got the lawn mower, even got it out of the car by myself. Said my prayers, tried to contact Lady A. again this morning, after my Gratitude List I'll get to mowing. Put the bag on to eliminate so much sweeping and raking. We'll see how that goes.
I am Grateful for:
dictionaries
another day of life - sober, clean and smoke free
my mower - repaired and ready
that it's Saturday and I'm off. Tomorrow too - ooooowweee!
that my world is getting larger and alot more interesting (teehee)
for getting up when I said I would
this second cup of coffee
Precious and her cat wisdom
God's Grace
for how beautiful my yard will look after I get started
modern conveniences
My Family
that I am a real alcoholic and I never have to question that again
thank YOU
Friday, June 22, 2007
life safari #4
Good morning.
I am Grateful that it is Friday
I am Grateful for another day so I can...
be with my friends and family in a meeting
go to a job I like 95 percent of the time (the 5% I'm unhappy is my doings)
try and get all my internal "stuff" in line with what my Higher Power has invisioned for me to be
try to get all my external "stuff" to match what I truly want on my inside
I am Grateful and Thankful for the Blessed Little Cat Spirit that I have the pleasure of
living with. She keeps me grounded when I'm at home. Perhaps I should take her to work with me.
I am Grateful and Thankful to be sober and clean today, smoke free and enjoying this nice cup of hot coffee.
Thank You
I am Grateful that it is Friday
I am Grateful for another day so I can...
be with my friends and family in a meeting
go to a job I like 95 percent of the time (the 5% I'm unhappy is my doings)
try and get all my internal "stuff" in line with what my Higher Power has invisioned for me to be
try to get all my external "stuff" to match what I truly want on my inside
I am Grateful and Thankful for the Blessed Little Cat Spirit that I have the pleasure of
living with. She keeps me grounded when I'm at home. Perhaps I should take her to work with me.
I am Grateful and Thankful to be sober and clean today, smoke free and enjoying this nice cup of hot coffee.
Thank You
Thursday, June 21, 2007
life safari #3 1/2
Good evening. Well, I am feeling better emotionally tonight, thank God. I went and showed my boss last night and this mornings blog. Sometimes I am not able to clearly explain or get the words out fast enough. Him reading an account of my misdeeds opened the path to my coloring the scene and our discussing the whole ordeal. It ended with my assuring him that I was totally responsible because of my anger and self-destructive tendencies. The main point I wanted to air was that whatever came of this, if anything, I would shoulder the consequences and not try and justify anything. I got so emotional re-living last night that I put my face in my hands and cried.What a relief ! After I walked out of his office I felt as though a burden had been removed from my chest.
The one thing he said to me was that he would rather see me come into work with bandaids on my lip from biting it in order not to pop-off. He does not want to see me get fired. I do however realize that, like this other situation, the _ _ _ _ may not hit the fan for a month. Or never.
Non the less, he needed to have knowledge of what took place so "steel claw" wouldn't broadside him with it unknowingly.
I am very grateful for the confession. I am humiliated about my lack of control last night.
I will try so much harder now to clean up my act. There is also the issue that, yes, I give wonderful customer service until time is up, my shift is over. The niceties can end very abruptly. I get to look harder at that and see what is behind it. So, am I just acting, playing a role for work or I am genuine and happy to help? It depends on what day it is and how the day has gone, I'm afraid.
Well, one thing is for sure. I am no closer to shedding some character defects than I was several years ago. They're just dressed up differently today.
Now I must try not to dwell on when the shoe may drop over this.
Tomorrow we have potential buyers for our building/property coming. So, we must be spit-polished and shiney. Thank goodness it's Friday !
I am happy this day is coming to a close.
See you in the morning. God Bless you all and Happy Trails to You.
life safari #3
Good morning.
Welcome and thanks for joining in Trudging. Scott and Dave, thank you sssoooo much for your kind support and comments. You do not know how much I appreciate and love you both. You two are "family" to me.
I am Grateful and Thankful that/for...
I woke up and God has seen fit to allow me to live in this day.
I have friends /family in AA who know more about me than my birth family.
You all accept me, support me and are there to love me when I make mistakes.
that I did not go buy a pack of cigarettes and snoke them last night.
I will stand up today or whenever my behavior of last night is presented and say, "yes, unfortunately I said that. I was wrong, I apologize. Actually, I need to go in and tell my boss what was said today. And I will. At least he can be prepared for the "steel claw."
To see, once again, that my recovery is tenuous some moments. That my mind is out to kill me!
Lord,
I realize that I have to up the ante, and really beg for a firing when I feel I was wrongly treated over something else.
I admit that I ask You to remove problems in my life yet I take them back. Over and over.
I think at times that I have surrendered things for You to remove but apparently I never surrendered them at all.
Bless Scott for sharing his struggle and awareness of this issue.
Help me to forgive myself, let myself off of this "HOOK," take a breath and begin anew today.
God, if You will, take mercy on me and let me keep my job that you have Blessed me with. Amen
Dave, I sent an E-mail to you but received an error message that it did not go through. Thank you for your comments and support. I do like this BLOGGING business. It is expanding my world. Thank you and thank you all for wonderful support.
More later, me
Welcome and thanks for joining in Trudging. Scott and Dave, thank you sssoooo much for your kind support and comments. You do not know how much I appreciate and love you both. You two are "family" to me.
I am Grateful and Thankful that/for...
I woke up and God has seen fit to allow me to live in this day.
I have friends /family in AA who know more about me than my birth family.
You all accept me, support me and are there to love me when I make mistakes.
that I did not go buy a pack of cigarettes and snoke them last night.
I will stand up today or whenever my behavior of last night is presented and say, "yes, unfortunately I said that. I was wrong, I apologize. Actually, I need to go in and tell my boss what was said today. And I will. At least he can be prepared for the "steel claw."
To see, once again, that my recovery is tenuous some moments. That my mind is out to kill me!
Lord,
I realize that I have to up the ante, and really beg for a firing when I feel I was wrongly treated over something else.
I admit that I ask You to remove problems in my life yet I take them back. Over and over.
I think at times that I have surrendered things for You to remove but apparently I never surrendered them at all.
Bless Scott for sharing his struggle and awareness of this issue.
Help me to forgive myself, let myself off of this "HOOK," take a breath and begin anew today.
God, if You will, take mercy on me and let me keep my job that you have Blessed me with. Amen
Dave, I sent an E-mail to you but received an error message that it did not go through. Thank you for your comments and support. I do like this BLOGGING business. It is expanding my world. Thank you and thank you all for wonderful support.
More later, me
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
life safari # 2 1/2 - the road to perdition
Dear Lord,
I really blew it this evening. All that self-talk and prayer before my shift just didn't seem to last to the end of my shift.
Yes, I did a good thing, I voluntarily stayed late for (one more time) an unanounced MS meeting.
But, lashing out a a few of the people who attended who weren't ready to leave when I was, not cool. I knew it as it came out of my mouth. All 3 occasions. And this on the heels of being already in trouble with "the steel claw."
Lord, it seems that when I am reprimanded I can not seem to shake it. I ask for relief from resentment, I mean it at the time ! The disappointment of criticism when I feel I do so much to please the clients, pamper the clients and give personalized service to each just rocks my world ! That sort of thing shakes me to my core and I then want to give up, give in to pity and self-loathing. On an unconscience level I am in a rage.
Oh Lord, I felt the conflict yesterday was ill placed on me. The "steel claw" has made it clear from day one that I'm not her cup of tea. I believe she would like to illiminate me and my self-sabatage this evening just gave her what she is looking for to do it.
Dear God,
I will start taking that second Antidepresent that I decided I could cut back on.
why have I had a life long desire to sabatage myself when I get disappointed or hurt?
when will I learn to clinch my mouth shut and say nothing when I am impatient with clueless people.
I knew it was wrong to tell those two cars of people to go get a table at Denny's if they needed to visit further. Why did I do it, Lord?
Self-destructive. Vindictive. Dumb beyond words.
I thought all the way home how this very thing has been repeating in my life journey from the get-go. I do not handle disappointment well, criticism well. My take on the subject is that, I do many things with zest, humor,accuracy and a smile every day at my job. I know many of my clients names and we converse as they exit the gates. They seem to like and appreciate my service. I believe I do and have been doing many more things right yet, one wrong move gets all the attention. Whine, whine, whine.
I want to take my marbles and leave right now. At these times I have great difficulty shaking this attitude off. I want people to suffer now. As I am suffering internally. Yet I know this is not the way I want to live my life today. It is not what God wants or expects of me today either.
Funny how a moment in time can make such a difference in life.
I will endeavor to take full responsibility for my evening. I will not look to place blame on anything/anyone else. This was my baby tonight. Perhaps I have grown tired of the gig. Perhaps "steel claw" is too much like someone else in my life who caused great hurt for me.
God, just help me to have some backbone and not shirk my responsibility for my actions and words if and when the time comes. At least I want to hold my head up and not call "steel claw" the things that ran through my mind tonight.
Bless me Father for I have sinned. Now help me with forgiveness for all. Amen
I really blew it this evening. All that self-talk and prayer before my shift just didn't seem to last to the end of my shift.
Yes, I did a good thing, I voluntarily stayed late for (one more time) an unanounced MS meeting.
But, lashing out a a few of the people who attended who weren't ready to leave when I was, not cool. I knew it as it came out of my mouth. All 3 occasions. And this on the heels of being already in trouble with "the steel claw."
Lord, it seems that when I am reprimanded I can not seem to shake it. I ask for relief from resentment, I mean it at the time ! The disappointment of criticism when I feel I do so much to please the clients, pamper the clients and give personalized service to each just rocks my world ! That sort of thing shakes me to my core and I then want to give up, give in to pity and self-loathing. On an unconscience level I am in a rage.
Oh Lord, I felt the conflict yesterday was ill placed on me. The "steel claw" has made it clear from day one that I'm not her cup of tea. I believe she would like to illiminate me and my self-sabatage this evening just gave her what she is looking for to do it.
Dear God,
I will start taking that second Antidepresent that I decided I could cut back on.
why have I had a life long desire to sabatage myself when I get disappointed or hurt?
when will I learn to clinch my mouth shut and say nothing when I am impatient with clueless people.
I knew it was wrong to tell those two cars of people to go get a table at Denny's if they needed to visit further. Why did I do it, Lord?
Self-destructive. Vindictive. Dumb beyond words.
I thought all the way home how this very thing has been repeating in my life journey from the get-go. I do not handle disappointment well, criticism well. My take on the subject is that, I do many things with zest, humor,accuracy and a smile every day at my job. I know many of my clients names and we converse as they exit the gates. They seem to like and appreciate my service. I believe I do and have been doing many more things right yet, one wrong move gets all the attention. Whine, whine, whine.
I want to take my marbles and leave right now. At these times I have great difficulty shaking this attitude off. I want people to suffer now. As I am suffering internally. Yet I know this is not the way I want to live my life today. It is not what God wants or expects of me today either.
Funny how a moment in time can make such a difference in life.
I will endeavor to take full responsibility for my evening. I will not look to place blame on anything/anyone else. This was my baby tonight. Perhaps I have grown tired of the gig. Perhaps "steel claw" is too much like someone else in my life who caused great hurt for me.
God, just help me to have some backbone and not shirk my responsibility for my actions and words if and when the time comes. At least I want to hold my head up and not call "steel claw" the things that ran through my mind tonight.
Bless me Father for I have sinned. Now help me with forgiveness for all. Amen
life safari #2
Well, it took an hour to find and get back to my Blogspot. Nothing is ever easy for Peanut. The seemingly simple tasks others' tackle with ease just have not been so in my life safari.
Gratitude List:
I am grateful and thankful to be sober and clean another day
I am grateful that I finally "happened upon" my Bloggspot
I'm grateful for the characteristic of determination and diligence
I'm grateful for a new day and the opportunities for growth, I pray I can persevere to do the "right"thing
I'm grateful that there is an AA meeting every day at 12:15 -my home group
I'm grateful for many of the people there are my extended family -they know and love me. warts and all
I'm grateful for the lightning early this morning
I'm grateful that I was inside during the lightning
Have a delightful day. Wish anyone reading this a happy and joyous day.
Via con dios
Go with God.
Gratitude List:
I am grateful and thankful to be sober and clean another day
I am grateful that I finally "happened upon" my Bloggspot
I'm grateful for the characteristic of determination and diligence
I'm grateful for a new day and the opportunities for growth, I pray I can persevere to do the "right"thing
I'm grateful that there is an AA meeting every day at 12:15 -my home group
I'm grateful for many of the people there are my extended family -they know and love me. warts and all
I'm grateful for the lightning early this morning
I'm grateful that I was inside during the lightning
Have a delightful day. Wish anyone reading this a happy and joyous day.
Via con dios
Go with God.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
safari #1- journey on
Well,
I must thank my friend Dave for steering me to this Blogg site.
Thank you Dave !
I have learned by trying another site and it has none of the templates and only a dialog box. If there was any more offered, it wasn't obvious. Not very exciting.
Just another life safari. I live and learn.
Got a "life shock" today at work. I felt humiliated, angry, resentful and wanted to act up and act out. Fortunately, I have made some amendments in my behavior and thoughts of late. I spouted and vented some and settled down to just being humiliated and a bit huffy. Now I get to work through getting rid of the resentment.
Gratitude List:
I'm grateful to have a job
I'm grateful that my boss took up for and spoke up for me today
I'm grateful to be sober and clean
I'm grateful and very thankful for my God and the faith I have developed in the recent months
I'm grateful that I have a large extended family of wonderful people who love me and whom I love
I'm grateful for my cat who is an outstanding little cat spirit
I'm totally grateful for the lack of raing the past two days here
I'm grateful for this safari through life that I am on and happy that I have grown and changed from the person I was a year ago, last month, a week ago, yesterday.
I must thank my friend Dave for steering me to this Blogg site.
Thank you Dave !
I have learned by trying another site and it has none of the templates and only a dialog box. If there was any more offered, it wasn't obvious. Not very exciting.
Just another life safari. I live and learn.
Got a "life shock" today at work. I felt humiliated, angry, resentful and wanted to act up and act out. Fortunately, I have made some amendments in my behavior and thoughts of late. I spouted and vented some and settled down to just being humiliated and a bit huffy. Now I get to work through getting rid of the resentment.
Gratitude List:
I'm grateful to have a job
I'm grateful that my boss took up for and spoke up for me today
I'm grateful to be sober and clean
I'm grateful and very thankful for my God and the faith I have developed in the recent months
I'm grateful that I have a large extended family of wonderful people who love me and whom I love
I'm grateful for my cat who is an outstanding little cat spirit
I'm totally grateful for the lack of raing the past two days here
I'm grateful for this safari through life that I am on and happy that I have grown and changed from the person I was a year ago, last month, a week ago, yesterday.
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