life safari # 2 1/2 - the road to perdition

Dear Lord,
I really blew it this evening. All that self-talk and prayer before my shift just didn't seem to last to the end of my shift.
Yes, I did a good thing, I voluntarily stayed late for (one more time) an unanounced MS meeting.
But, lashing out a a few of the people who attended who weren't ready to leave when I was, not cool. I knew it as it came out of my mouth. All 3 occasions. And this on the heels of being already in trouble with "the steel claw."

Lord, it seems that when I am reprimanded I can not seem to shake it. I ask for relief from resentment, I mean it at the time ! The disappointment of criticism when I feel I do so much to please the clients, pamper the clients and give personalized service to each just rocks my world ! That sort of thing shakes me to my core and I then want to give up, give in to pity and self-loathing. On an unconscience level I am in a rage.

Oh Lord, I felt the conflict yesterday was ill placed on me. The "steel claw" has made it clear from day one that I'm not her cup of tea. I believe she would like to illiminate me and my self-sabatage this evening just gave her what she is looking for to do it.

Dear God,
I will start taking that second Antidepresent that I decided I could cut back on.
why have I had a life long desire to sabatage myself when I get disappointed or hurt?
when will I learn to clinch my mouth shut and say nothing when I am impatient with clueless people.
I knew it was wrong to tell those two cars of people to go get a table at Denny's if they needed to visit further. Why did I do it, Lord?
Self-destructive. Vindictive. Dumb beyond words.

I thought all the way home how this very thing has been repeating in my life journey from the get-go. I do not handle disappointment well, criticism well. My take on the subject is that, I do many things with zest, humor,accuracy and a smile every day at my job. I know many of my clients names and we converse as they exit the gates. They seem to like and appreciate my service. I believe I do and have been doing many more things right yet, one wrong move gets all the attention. Whine, whine, whine.

I want to take my marbles and leave right now. At these times I have great difficulty shaking this attitude off. I want people to suffer now. As I am suffering internally. Yet I know this is not the way I want to live my life today. It is not what God wants or expects of me today either.

Funny how a moment in time can make such a difference in life.

I will endeavor to take full responsibility for my evening. I will not look to place blame on anything/anyone else. This was my baby tonight. Perhaps I have grown tired of the gig. Perhaps "steel claw" is too much like someone else in my life who caused great hurt for me.

God, just help me to have some backbone and not shirk my responsibility for my actions and words if and when the time comes. At least I want to hold my head up and not call "steel claw" the things that ran through my mind tonight.

Bless me Father for I have sinned. Now help me with forgiveness for all. Amen